Today has been a rough Sunday for me. For the past month I have been visiting my home ward for church because I went home for Christmas and then again for my sister's birthday, and then I traveled to San Francisco. As I am preparing to serve a mission, one of my goals is to go home less frequently, and so I stayed here in Provo this weekend. Friday was fine, I just sat around crocheting all evening. Saturday was okay because I did stuff with my brother and my roommates. But today, for some reason, was just difficult.
I realized, I miss family. I know, it's been less than a week since I last saw my parents, but still the idea that I am about to go another week without seeing them is hard. I also realized that I have always relied so heavily on family, but never on friends. While I have been here at BYU, my roommates are basically my family, but they are also friends. So, I don't understand why I feel so lonely. How could I be surrounded by loving roommates and 30,000 other students, and still feel lonely??? It just doesn't make sense to me.
I try to keep in contact with friends from the past, so as to have some communication with other people, but I often have short, to the point, useless conversations over text. I can't describe how sad it makes me that the people I loved so much from high school, are now almost strangers to me. Once again, a strike of loneliness to my aching.
So getting up and going to church today was hard. I didn't want to go be surrounded by other people that don't really know me. But, I did anyways. When I got to church I was fine. Totally in control. Then we sang the opening hymn, and I was crying. I couldn't tell you why, or when it really started, but I just sat there and cried. I tried to be inconspicuous, but I am sure some people saw my surreptitious wiping away of tears. Then during the sacrament, I said a little prayer that turned into pleading. I wanted to ask the Lord, why do I feel so alone? Why has everyone forgotten me, why am I alone, and why am I here? And the answer I got back was this: You are never alone. I know that is super cliche, but it was clear as day to me right then. And that made me cry even more.
Then, listening to the speakers, every message was fine tuned to my spirit and what I needed. And yet, I still wasn't extremely happy. The closing hymn was "Be Still my Soul". Another tear-jerker.
During Sunday school, I must admit, I was not the most attentive listener. I was distracted by my sorrows, and all I could think about was how much I wanted to have a big hug from someone that loved me. Someone that truly cares about me.
Finally, in Relief Society, I lost it. We watched the video "None Were With Him" by Elder Holland. In this video, Holland describes the suffering the Savior felt while fulfilling the Atonement, and when he quoted Christ saying "Why hast THOU forsaken me?", I finally understood that Christ is with me, and he knows the sorrow I feel for being alone. He was completely, utterly alone in that moment while taking on the sins of the world. He knows my suffering at this point in my life, and He is there giving me the hug I desperately need. I may not be able to physically touch Him, but I know that He is silently standing by my side.
I'm sure my roommate thinks I am emotionally unstable, because I cried a lot after that realization. I couldn't control it. I still felt alone, but I was comforted to know that He is there with me. So, after church let out, I slipped away and walked the long way home, by the temple, just so I could have some personal 'alone' time with my thoughts.
So an emotional, draining day, I am ready for the week ahead. I may miss my family and past friends, but I can be sure that the Lord is by my side. How can I fail?
